College Bound
Originally Posted: April 20, 2018
“Now what do I do with my time?”, I am thinking, as I drive away from dropping my daughter off at college. I have spent the last twenty-seven years raising three wildly courageous children and now my youngest was going off to college. Tears welled up in my eyes, so much so, that I had to pull the car over and stop to just breathe. I knew this day would come and I thought I was mentally prepared. I encouraged all of my children to fly high. I was intrigued by their ease in letting go and moving on. I made sure that I did not let her know how I was really feeling deep down as this was my daughter’s day to journey on to HER future. She made the decision to move from Florida to New Hampshire to attend college and she was so excited to begin a whole new life. She packed up all her belongings and off we drove from FL in our Jeeps packed to the roof of items she thought she couldn’t live without. She realized the importance of selecting personal belongings that were necessary and the rest were memories. This process was cleansing. As we drove through all the diverse states along the way, the transformation began.
On more than one occasion on the road trip, I let the truth slip that this was a bittersweet time in my life. I pride myself in appearing that everything is fine with me. I put up my biggest shield. I don’t want any of my children thinking that mom isn’t okay when they are not around. I will be fine and I keep telling myself this till the tears stop. Everything stops. Everything starts. There is a flow to life. Knowing this concept helps me get through the bumps in the road. When I find myself too much in my head, I get outside and take walks, go to yoga, garden, make jewelry and write to release the inner angst that can weigh my heart down. I do not deny my feelings a place, but I know that they will pass and that the flow of life will continue. I sometimes think about times in my growing up journey and how I made my own decisions and went my own way without any help from others. I also wonder why I sometimes feel the need to make it my concern when in actuality it is my children’s decisions only. Turning off being a mother takes a concerted effort to stop, pause and let go. Am I the only one that grapples with the desire to help, guide, support? There is a fine line and I remind myself to tread lightly even though I want to solve it all. I have had time to look at this side of me and I am growing and changing. No one is making decisions for me and things are turning out beautifully just the way they should. Hmm feeling blessed.
We both drove on down roads that we had never driven. We stopped and talked and gathered our thoughts. We played music loud and rolled down the windows and let the cold fresh air nourish our souls. We both were traveling to new places and it wasn’t just my daughter going off to college, but it was me moving on to my new place. We had a blast traveling together on this trip that met both our desires and through all this, we found that we had more in common than we thought possible. I needed to let go, and she needed me to. We needed to not look back, but forward. We needed to just be present in the moment and revel in the unknown. Fly baby girl, fly!
~ To raise a child, who is comfortable enough to leave you, means you’ve done your job. They are not ours to keep, but to teach how to soar on their own ~
Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life now?
~ MaryOliver~
